Woah, I haven’t blogged for so long! When I started blogging I decided that I would only write when felt like it and would never force myself to write stuff just for the sake of it. Sometimes life is busy and weird and stupid and fun and there just isn’t the right way to put it down on paper (or computer screen). I love writing and I want to do it more so here I am, back for a while. Maybe.
I haven’t been sleeping well lately, which is unusual for me. I just can’t seem to switch off my brain at night. There is so much dancing around in there that I feel physically exhausted, do you know what I mean? Like for instance, two nights ago I couldn’t stop thinking about going back to work as a dental hygienist. I’ve mentioned before that this might be happening soon and I feel really anxious about it, mainly because it’s been so long since I’ve done it. I decided to imagine an appointment with a patient from start to finish to test myself and see if I could remember everything I needed to do. This was a great idea to help me get to sleep, as you can imagine. Since I was the only examiner present for my test I gave myself a pretty good score. There were one or two things I overlooked once I thought about it again but, overall, it went well. It sounds crazy, I know, but it made me feel a bit more calm and confident in the fact that my brain hasn’t totally seized up. The stuff I learned is still in there and will quickly come back to me if I just try and access it. Something else that surprised me was that I felt a little flicker of excitement as I began to imagine myself in the work place again. I felt knowledgeable and useful, and I liked it.
Sophie, my three year old, had her first session at nursery school today. She was SO excited and loved every minute of it. They make parents stay for the first few times to settle the kids, which I’m not a huge fan of but it’s fine. I didn’t want to just sit in the corner like some other mums and dads, I wanted to play with her and help her feel secure and happy. I sat down with her to do some drawing. She drew a beautiful ‘dinosaur in the rain’ and I was admiring it adoringly to let her know that she was doing great. She turned and looked at me and said ‘mummy, can you go now because I’m ok.’ I felt such a mixture of emotions at this statement! My heart broke a little as she dismissed me with such flippancy and coldness. It was like a piece of the ‘motherness’ in me fell away and wasn’t required any more. At the very same time though, I felt so proud of her. So happy that she is a strong, confident little girl who feels safe and secure in herself. What a wonderful thing it is to see your children gaining independence and having a desire to try things for themselves.
For the remainder of the session, I sat in the corner just watching her. A few times I went over to ask her what she was up to and she promptly told me she would like it if I went to sit back down! Such a funny little thing, and not how I expected her to be at all. She didn’t want to leave when it was time to go and told me that her new teacher is her best friend, a huge success I’d say.
Sophie: Mummy, what will you do when I am at nursery school?
Me: I’m not really sure yet sweetheart
Sophie: Who will you look after? I will be having fun at nursery, George will be having fun at school, Daddy will be at work (the absence of the word ‘fun’ here made me smile), but you will be all on your own. You won’t have anyone to look after.
I found this so interesting that she wasn’t concerned with who would look after me but with me not having anyone to look after. That’s what I do in her eyes I guess, I look after everyone. Kind of a compliment maybe? Also kind of made me want to show her that I can do other things, that I did do other things before I had these three special people in my life to look after. I want her to see me as ambitious and strong and curious and hard working. She sees all of this in the home, I know she does, but it has just made me realise that I need to stretch myself to do other things. Allow myself to have interests and hobbies, to find out what they even are after a long time of not spending time on stuff like that.
I don’t usually welcome change but I feel really optimistic about this new phase of having my children at nursery and at school. To have a little chunk of time to myself feels incredibly indulgent and exciting. It’s hard seeing your babies grow up, so so hard. However, it happens so you can either deny it and wallow or keep going and embrace the different stages and opportunities along the way.