I want to be healthy, but I love junk food. I want to be healthy, but I love junk food.

This phrase just goes round in my head all the time. I want to be healthy and look after my body, I know what’s good for me, so why can’t I just do it? Why do I say to myself that I’ll start tomorrow and just tuck in to another take away? I eat like a teenager and it has to stop. I don’t want my kids growing up with an unhealthy mum, I want them to form good eating habits. I always make sure they eat healthily but I just don’t give the same attention to myself.

I am notorious for trying out new fad diets and only sticking to them for a short period of time. I recently wrote a blog post about the 5:2 diet where you fast for two days out of seven and eat normally the rest of the time. It was actually going really well and I felt great. I was losing weight and feeling a real sense of achievement after every fast day. Then, Easter weekend came and I thought I would have little break to enjoy some chocolate treats for a few days. Well, that was it, I never went back to the 5:2. I feel like a total failure, why couldn’t I just stick to something?

I’ve been thinking seriously about my relationship with food and have realised it’s pretty messed up. I eat when I’m bored, when I’m sad, when I’m happy, even when I’m not hungry. One of the biggest things I’ve noticed is that I eat as a reward to myself, I justify it. If I’ve had a hard day with the children, for example, I feel like I deserve to eat a whole tub of Ben and Jerrys. Yep, an entire tub. But it was a difficult day so that makes it ok, right? Ugh, it’s just a vicious circle because I feel like rubbish after I’ve eaten the bad food so it’s not like I even feel happy about it. Then feeling rubbish just makes me want to drown my sorrows in some Nutella, what the heck?! Serious problems.

A friend of mine and her husband have totally changed their diet and it’s really inspired me. They have started juicing every morning and eating salads and healthy stuff the rest of the day. Sugar has become a rare treat rather than a daily staple and they’re perfectly happy with that because they feel so good. My friend said to me that her tastes have changed and she wants to eat healthy stuff because junk food makes her feel ill. I want junk food to make me feel ill! I’ve realised that I haven’t felt well for ages and I know it has so much to do with my diet. I don’t drink enough water either and my body has just been feeling twenty years older than it actually is. I am so lethargic and my joints creak, I’m only thirty four and I know I’m not meant to feel like this.

I’ve just got a juicer and I’ve been juicing this week, just for breakfast. Then I’ve been eating healthily for the rest of the day. I haven’t had sugar since Monday, which is probably the longest I’ve ever been without it. It’s a mini victory for me and it feels great. I’ve honestly noticed a difference in how I feel just in this short time, it’s brilliant. I’m not saying I’ll never eat junk food again, I know I will, but I just want it to be balanced with the good stuff in a way that it hasn’t been for so long. We are having a take away with friends on Saturday and I’m really looking forward to it, partly because I feel like it’s ok as I’ve been good all week. Often, I get to the weekend and nothing is a treat because I’ve been living it up all week with take aways and ice cream.

I am the worlds worst at being consistent and sticking to anything so if I’m brutally honest, I don’t know how long this will last. But I have a real desire and drive this time that feels different to other times. I think about my children and that I want to be the best I can be for them and that helps a lot.

Do you find it hard to eat healthily? Have you found a particular diet or lifestyle that works for you?

Gemma